Who am I? Who have I been? And who do I want to be?

So, day 1 of the 30 day challenge…….first and foremost I should admit that I don’t think I have stuck with anything for 30 days, so completing this alone will be a success!! But ultimately I am hoping to go some way to overcoming my emotional eating by completing this 30 day challenge. I haven’t read ahead to see what all the questions are, I shall just tackle them day-by-day.

Today I have been giving some thought to these questions, knowing that I would be writing this blog this evening and I have to say coming up with answers to these questions is not as easy as you’d think, but here goes.

Who am I? Well I am a 33 year old mum of two, wife, daughter and sister. I love my family dearly and do my best to be the glue that holds us all together. Having seen the impact of family disputes on both my parents and my in-laws I do my best to make sure that family is my top priority, although sometimes it feels like a uphill struggle. I love being mummy to my  children and wife to my husband and these roles define a lot of who I am these days. I am also a teacher and, again, this is a role in life that I love, working with young people and seeing them thrive gives me great pleasure. There is another side though, of course! I am a worrier; I worry about how I am perceived, I worry about how I look, I worry about how I behave, I worry about what I eat and what I do, etc, etc, etc! I am my own worst enemy and that is why I am here.

Who have I been? I don’t really feel like I have been anyone a great deal different to the person that I am today if I am honest. I was a girlfriend for a good few years before my husband finally popped the question and we started a family, we have now been together for nearly 10 years, so it is hard to remember what I was before that time. But I can remember that before children I was a much more sociable person, going out on a very regular basis, enjoying dinners, dancing, trips to the cinema etc. It’s not that I am no longer a sociable person, it is just that I don’t have the opportunity to socialise quite as often as I used to. I have also been someone who has suffered with anxiety and depression and I have now come to accept that is likely to be something that will always be there, whether in the background or the foreground of my existence. I have been quite a negative person in the past, focusing on the negative things around me and the negative aspects of people and society, but I should say that I feel I have turned that around in the last year or so and I am much better at seeing the positives and at turning negative thoughts into positive ones. Which really bring me to the last question……

Who do I want to be? I am quite happy with the mummy that I am, the wife that I am and the daughter and sister that I am, what I want to work on is the me that I am – does that make any sense? I am very good at seeing the positives in others and being positive towards others. I feel that I am able to empathize and support those around me, but I am really horrible to myself. On a daily basis I will berate myself for the way that I look and the lifestyle that I lead. I would go as far as to say that I regularly have feelings of hate towards myself. Now, I have done CBT in the past and one thing that sticks in my memory of that is “would you talk to a friend that way you talk to yourself?” and the answer is always no, no way, absolutely not! But that doesn’t seem to stop me. So, I want to be someone who likes themselves, feels confident in what they do and doesn’t worry about what others think of them. A massive part of what I want is a healthy relationship with food and exercise so that I can be happy in my skin. I have been a member of Slimming World for 3 years and I want to be able to food optimise without feelings of resentment but with feelings of satisfaction and contentment. I know it is the right and proper way to eat, it is how I want my children to grow up to eat but at the moment my emotional eating is getting in the way. This combined with a lack of exercise in my life leads me to feeling extremely unhappy with who I am and I want that turned around.

To conclude, I want to continue to be a good mummy, wife, daughter, sister and friend – I am happy with how I do in all those roles. I want to continue to be a good teacher, I am looking forward to returning to work and inspiring young people. What I want to change is my relationship with food and exercise. I want to find exercise that I enjoy doing and do it on a regular basis because I want to and not because I feel like I have to. And I want to eat properly enjoying the occasional treat because I enjoying eating that way rather than because I feel like I have to.

Now I turn to day 2 of the challenge and start thinking about “what do I want most in life? and How can I get it?” I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you my thoughts.

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